Bugs Bunny could singlehandedly defeat Thanos by dressing up as a TSA agent and setting up a metal detector in the middle of the battlefield saying that all metal objects must be removed if you want to pass on through now stick around for my 2,000 word essay on just how effectively he would convince The Mad Titan to comply
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“For shame, doc! Dontcha know we got other folks waiting?”
(Thanos looks behind him and sees dozens of Bugs Bunnies dressed as angry yelling travelers with huge bags of luggage. Thanos rubs his neck guiltily and begins sliding off the gauntlet)
I felt compelled
Nobody expected you to draw T. Hanos himself in the Looney Tunes artstyle but you absolutely fucking delivered
When you’re in the middle of playing hockey, you don’t have much time or lungpower to spare for lengthy chats, so hockey players develop a lot of on-ice shorthand. Some of this is probably limited to beer leagues like mine, but I’ve definitely heard a few of these phrases caught on the rink-level mics during NHL games, so I thought maybe some of y’all who don’t play hockey might be interested in translations of a few of the things hockey players yell at each other mid-game.
OFF = You are offside.
OOOOOOOFF = You are offside and don’t seem to realize it; stop trying to touch the puck and move your ass out of the fucking zone before you force a whistle.
CHANGE = You’ve been on the ice a long time.
CHAAAAAAANGE = Are you aware that there are other people on this team who would like to play hockey at some point?
ONE ON = An opposing player is trying to get the puck away from you and it appears that you haven’t noticed.
GOT TIME = Don’t panic and fling the puck into Siberia, there’s no one close enough to take it away from you right this second.
ICE IT = We’ve been in our zone for three minutes and everyone on the ice is nearing collapse, so go ahead, panic and fling the puck into Siberia.
I’M OPEN = Pass toward the sound of my voice right fucking now.
ALL YOU = Take the puck forward yourself; everyone else is far enough behind you that you should not rely on getting any backup on this developing play.
I GOT YOU = You are so egregiously out of position that it makes more sense for us to just switch jobs for a minute.
I GOT IT = If we both skate hard to the puck at the same time, as is currently happening, there will be no one to pass it to and also we are liable to collide in an unproductive fashion, so just let me handle it.
I GOT IT I GOT IT I GOT IT = You did not listen to me and we are about to collide in an unproductive fashion.
Non-cutesy self-care tips
Have you been eating well? If not, eat a piece of fruit or a handful of nuts. You need vitamins; you need protein.
You’re probably not drinking enough water.
When is the last time you showered? Take a cold shower to wake you up or a hot shower if you need to relax.
Do the laundry that’s been piling up. You’ve been wearing that sweatshirt for too long.
Take care of the dishes in the sink that have been there for three days and have started to stress you out.
Did you brush your teeth this morning? How about your hair?
Listen to the messages on your phone that have been there for days.
Go outside for at least a couple minutes. You don’t even have to do anything; just sit down. Breathe in the fresh air and get some vitamin D.
Open your blinds. Your room is too dark and it’s probably making you tired.
Spend some time with your pet. Pet them, feed them, take them for a walk or clean out their litterbox. Caring for them will make you feel useful and responsible and give you something to do.
The self-care posts that tell you to take a bath and eat chocolate and read a book are good, but do what needs to be done first. Eating chocolate when you haven’t showered in four days and you can’t remember when the last time you changed your underwear was won’t make you feel better. It will probably make you feel worse. Clean yourself up; clean your surroundings up. Then take care of the little things. Tackle life one thing at a time.
